Reader's Digest Stuff
All Published in The Reader's Digest
VIRTUAL HILARITY
Each year several giant computer expos at New York City's Jacob K. Javits Convention Center attract mobs of people. I ran into a friend the day after she had gone to one, and asked her about it.
"By the time I got there," she said, "it was so crowded you couldn't get a nerd in edgewise."
CAMPUS COMEDY
I was helping my daughter move into her dorm at State University of New York College at Oneonta when her roommate showed up with her father and an amazing load of belongings to carry up to the third floor. As the last trunk was dropped next to her bed, the roommate's father, still huffing, looked his daughter in the eye. "If you need anything else while you're here," he advised, "rent it."
TOWARD MORE PICTURESQUE SPEECH
Thanksgiving: when one species ceases to gobble and another begins.
NO PARKING
In the Lamaze method of childbirth, the husband is trained to coach his wife, staying with her at all times, if possible even in the delivery room. One such husband was forced to abandon his wife at the hospital reception desk in order to park the car and, by the time he returned, a baby girl had been delivered. After admiring his new daughter, he turned to his wife and said reproachfully, "Next time, you park the car."
LIFE IN THESE UNITED STATES
The phone woke me at 3 in the morning, but instead of a voice I heard the notes from Mary Had A Little Lamb played by somebody with a touch-tone phone. Annoyed, I hung up, thinking that some drunk or some bored insomniac was entertaining himself. Then it came to me that my brother would do such a thing. I lay there wondering how his wife puts up with him, especially now, while Mary's pregnant.
Pregnant?
I called him, it was a girl.
(copyrighted)
(Interesting aside: when a short piece is accepted by Reader's Digest they send you a check. On the back where you sign it reads that once you sign the check you're also relinquishing all world rights to the piece. This is fine with me since Reader's Digest pays very well. Depending on which department accepts it, and how many words you've submitted, it can come to more than five bucks a word. So, you might think, how can I put these on my blog? The Digest provides an email avenue in which you can request the use of your work. I made two such requests so far, one a year ago, and never received an answer. I then decided to post them. Therefore, any existing copyright belongs to The Reader's Digest. So, if you suddenly don't here from me, try to locate me--I smoke Benson & Hedges Light Menthols.)
VIRTUAL HILARITY
Each year several giant computer expos at New York City's Jacob K. Javits Convention Center attract mobs of people. I ran into a friend the day after she had gone to one, and asked her about it.
"By the time I got there," she said, "it was so crowded you couldn't get a nerd in edgewise."
CAMPUS COMEDY
I was helping my daughter move into her dorm at State University of New York College at Oneonta when her roommate showed up with her father and an amazing load of belongings to carry up to the third floor. As the last trunk was dropped next to her bed, the roommate's father, still huffing, looked his daughter in the eye. "If you need anything else while you're here," he advised, "rent it."
TOWARD MORE PICTURESQUE SPEECH
Thanksgiving: when one species ceases to gobble and another begins.
NO PARKING
In the Lamaze method of childbirth, the husband is trained to coach his wife, staying with her at all times, if possible even in the delivery room. One such husband was forced to abandon his wife at the hospital reception desk in order to park the car and, by the time he returned, a baby girl had been delivered. After admiring his new daughter, he turned to his wife and said reproachfully, "Next time, you park the car."
LIFE IN THESE UNITED STATES
The phone woke me at 3 in the morning, but instead of a voice I heard the notes from Mary Had A Little Lamb played by somebody with a touch-tone phone. Annoyed, I hung up, thinking that some drunk or some bored insomniac was entertaining himself. Then it came to me that my brother would do such a thing. I lay there wondering how his wife puts up with him, especially now, while Mary's pregnant.
Pregnant?
I called him, it was a girl.
(copyrighted)
(Interesting aside: when a short piece is accepted by Reader's Digest they send you a check. On the back where you sign it reads that once you sign the check you're also relinquishing all world rights to the piece. This is fine with me since Reader's Digest pays very well. Depending on which department accepts it, and how many words you've submitted, it can come to more than five bucks a word. So, you might think, how can I put these on my blog? The Digest provides an email avenue in which you can request the use of your work. I made two such requests so far, one a year ago, and never received an answer. I then decided to post them. Therefore, any existing copyright belongs to The Reader's Digest. So, if you suddenly don't here from me, try to locate me--I smoke Benson & Hedges Light Menthols.)
posted by rich at 2:36 AM
5 Comments:
Loved 'em! Thank you for sharing those.
How are you liking blogging so far? You seem to have taken to it well. Don't forget - when you post, spend a couple minutes surfing other blogs (the AW blog roll is a good start) and commenting - you build community and get return visits that way.
Very funny! Can you still make blog posts in the slammer?
Hmm, I responded before and nothing showed.
Yeah, dawno, except for my missing comments. Although I did hit a few sites this morning.
Kelly, that's Benson & Hedges Light Menthols.
I loved them. Those were sweet and funny. Thanks also for the aside explanation. We'll know what happened if you disappear.
Sweet September, just don't know what happens: B & H light menthols.
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