Osama Bin Laden: Dead or Alive?

Is Osama Bin Laden dead or alive? I do believe Osama Bin Laden died of typhoid, and I think his death had something to do with Zawahiri.

Zawahiri, decades ago decided to give up his pediatric practice where he healed folks to become a Jihadist where he kills folks. This is not a reasonable person’s idea of a career change.

I think he wanted to go from the number two man to the number one man.

I figure the two were living in a cave somewhere when Osama became a bit woozy, and then developed a high fever. As a doctor, Zawahiri must have known that his chief contracted typhoid, but he had his eye on the top spot. I figure it went something like this:

Osama
Something’s wrong. I don’t feel all that good.

Zawahiri
Not to worry, Osama, it’s these damp caves. Give it a few days and you’ll be as good as new. Try to stay out of drafts.

Osama
(A few days later)
I’m concerned, Z. I feel worse. Your chicken soup isn’t working. You’ve given me so much of it I’m beginning to think in Yiddish.

Zawahiri
Okay, okay. I managed to get a bottle of Tylenol PM. A long rest and you’ll be as good as new.

Osama
(The following week)
I think I need antibiotics. This feels a lot worse than a cold.

Zawahiri
(Waves his hands, annoyed)
Hey, who’s the doctor here? But if that’s what you want, Osama, I guess it wouldn’t hurt..
(He goes into his black bag and pulls out a container of Tic Tacs.)

Osama
Funny, it tastes like mint.

Zawahiri
It’s a generic.

Osama
Z, I keep seeing you and my camera man together. You guys keep telling me that we're out of tape. How will I keep my people bolstered if they don’t hear and see me?

Zawahiri
We should have tape in a few days, Osama. You know how bad the roads are.

Osama
(A few more days later, he’s choking)
I’m dying, Z! You must continue the fight.

Zawahiri
Yes, my brother.

Osama
Farewell, comrade.
(He dies)

Zawahiri
(Yelling from the cave entrance)
Okay, guys. Get my production crew in here.

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Upon Pondering My Last Post...

something, almost an epiphany, came to me. I now realize why George Bush won't meet with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad; it suddenly hit me that it has nothing to do with Iran's nuclear intentions, or Iran's weapon deliveries to Hezballah and Hammas.

George Bush just can't pronounce his name! I can see Bush and Ahmadinejad in a room and Bush saying, "Listen, Ahma...Ahma...listen fellah."

Think on it: he meets with Blair, Musheraf, Merkel, Chirac, etc., but never with Ahmadinejad, or Hassan Nasrallah or Bashar Assad. Think on it again: our president, although he's said it a 1000 times, can't even pronounce "nuclear."

Figure it out--if Bush went to a good speech therapist we'd have world peace!

Ahmaja...huh?

On this downtime here I’d like to offer a tip on how to pronounce the last name of the newly elected leader of Iran. Think on it—five freakin’ syllables!

Since I don’t want to sound ridiculous when I’m discussing any middle east matters I try to get at least a few of the names right.

Therefore, I picture something(s) that will have me pronounce a name correctly and therefore make me look smarter than I am within my social circle.

So, I take my man, Ahmadinejad—yeah--no Smith or Jones here.

What seems to be working for me is “I’m-a-dinner-jar.” My Brooklyn background has me pronouncing “I’m” as “Ahm”—a glorious fit! And, as most of you know, Brooklynites don’t pronounce end-of-word “r’s”. So, “dinna” rolls glibly off my tongue. The “jar” thing is easy. All I gotta do is replace the “r” with a “d.” Easy to recall, even at my age.

I live in fear, however, that a country like Sri Lanka may some day become embroiled in some matters that would attract frequent world-media coverage. I’m just not ready for Sri Lanka’s President Mahinda Rajapaksa to come up in conversation. Alas, I’d miss a lot of cocktail parties.

Perhaps I should consider myself lucky that there was not much press coverage for Sri Lanka in the mid-nineties when its illustrious leader was Dingiri Banda Wijetunge.

All things considered, you must admit that George Bush does have some redeeming qualities.

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I just received a phone call from Yale Anglers' Journal. They just accepted a group of haiku that was published in Rosebud last year. I had sent them to Yale on the advice of John Smelcer, the poetry editor of Rosebud. It took Yale 13 months to respond--since their journal is only published twice yearly I should've expected a long wait.

Look in my May archives: "Haiku for Anglers."